John Medina points out in Brain Rules that curiosity is everything.

Curious mind.  Cpen mind.  Responsive mind.  All three advance your divorce settlement conversations.

Invariably there are points in divorce settlement discussions where your spouse makes a proposal that you just can’t swallow.  Your immediate negative reaction suggests that the proposal was never seriously considered.  It’s easy to shoot down a proposal without full evaluation.  Before you automatically reject your spouse’s proposal, cultivate your curious mind. 

Ask questions. 

• what makes your spouse think the proposal is good for you?
• how is it a fair proposal for both spouses?
• are there ways to tweak it to better meet both spouses’ needs and interests?

Have a conversation.  By asking good questions, you both will think about the proposal more deeply.  Perhaps through more brainstorming, ideas and options will come up that meet each of your objectives better.  By having a conversation, the original germ of an idea may grow into an option that works for both of you.

Being curious and showing an open mind may create more options for the two of you.  A reactive “No!” shuts the door and cuts off the conversation.  Curious questions can open the door to more opportunity.

What do you think?

    ~ Nancy and Debra in cahoots in San Francisco

The 17th Annual Dispute Resolution Conference, an outstanding event sponsored by the Washington Law School Foundation ,the WSBA ADR Section, the King County Bar Association ADR Section, Resolution Washington and the Washington Mediation Association, was held last Friday and Saturday.

Lela Love, an accomplished Professor of Law at Cardozo School of Law, Director, Kukin Program for Conflict Resolution and the Cardozo Mediation Clinic, spoke on the challenges for dispute resolution providers in 2010 and beyond.

Humor can make a powerful point! Professor Love demonstrated this by telling a pointed joke which cleverly sums up the difference between litigation, arbitration and mediation….it went something like this:

• How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: How many can you afford?

• How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: They do not change light bulbs, they tell you who is responsible for the darkness.

• How many arbitrators does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Same as judges, but you cannot appeal.

• How many mediators does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Mediators do not change light bulbs either; they help the light bulbs change themselves!

~Debra

Divorce is usually difficult. Emotions run high and at the same time divorcing couples have the added problem of figuring out the property distribution. This is particularly challenging when the market is down. Divorce clients I have seen in the past year have lost 15-30% of their home value, leaving the equity slim to none…or worse, negative. During a down market no one wants to sell their house, often times their largest asset; many divorcing couples are opting to keep joint ownership, hoping the market will turn so no one “sells” during a down market.

What about the flip side? What happens if you buy your spouse out of the house during an up market and are suppose to pay them back later when the market has dived? A Seattle colleague of mine told me about such a case like that recently. Here is the scenario:

Wife, wanting to keep the children in the home, keeps the house and agrees to pay husband his portion of the equity in the house in 5 years. Wife thought she could pay husband his $100,000, half of equity at the time, easily…or so it appeared 5 years ago. Then along came the severe economic downturn and the house lost $300,000 in value, more than the original equity at the time of the divorce. Property settlements are final so wife still owes husband $100,000 for his portion of the equity in the house. If wife sells the house now, she will be lucky to break even, but she will still owe husband the $100,000. She has no other resources, he wants his money. Now what?

The lesson is that home ownership is an investment and as with all investments the value may increase but the value may also decrease, each situation has its risks and rewards and these need to be considered when negotiating your property distribution.

For some information check out: “Minimize the Financial Pain of Divorce” and “Should you Keep the House in the Divorce?”

Please let us know your thoughts!

~ Debra

The traditional litigation model, used by most divorcing couples, “fuels and feeds off of overwrought emotions”, states Philip Mulford in Contemplating Divorce? Consider Mediation.

Why is this? Divorce is not just a legal problem it is a family problem. Courts are not really set up for family problems. Using a judge to decide your case is like asking a rodeo rider to train a thoroughbred filly to run the Kentucky Derby. The rodeo rider is skilled at one set of rules and applications, but the horse probably would not end up being a winner….and most likely, neither will you, your spouse or your children, if you use traditional litigation.

Why? Because even the most conscientious judges use laws that are not unique to you and apply them using their own judgment to a very small amount of information…only what you manage to get into court. They do not really know you or your spouse, or your children for that matter, let alone the real situation. Ultimately you end up with their solution to your life issues based on a very limited amount of information.

There is another option. You and your spouse can work with a mediator to create your own, distinct solutions to your issues, based on your unique interests and needs. You and your spouse may have a difference of opinion, but you at least know your own real needs and interests, and you know at least most of facts. It only makes sense that the two of you are the best people to make the necessary decisions, you are the ones who care. As Mulford says, “clients in mediation remain in control of the decisions that will affect them and their children for the rest of their lives”.

You do not need to be lassoed by someone else’s decision; it could feel like a noose around your neck.

Please let us know your thoughts.

~Debra

There is some great advice in this article, which is just as apt for parents who are together as well as for divorcing parents.

The commandments are:

1. Resolve conflicts without putting kids in the middle.
2. Treat the other parent with respect.
3. Observe appropriate boundaries.
4. Communicate regularly with the other parent.
5. Demonstrate positive conflict resolution.
6. Share with your co-parent what you need from him or her to do a good job of parenting.
7. Don’t allow all of the parenting tasks to fall to one parent.
8. Be consistent.
9. Help your children recognize the other parent with appropriate gifts or cards.
10. Don’t punish your in-laws by keeping your kids from them after a divorce.

The author’s premise is that children deserve the opportunity to be loved by both parents. Following these “commandments” can be hard for parents locked in conflict, but they are behaviors well worth striving for. Your children will be happier and more well-adjusted for your efforts.

–Nancy

People in the midst of divorce are often extremely overcome with fear caused by the overwhelming change in their life. Pressure from fear of the unknown, triggered by questions such as: “How will the divorce affect the children?” “How will I survive financially?” “What will people think?” “Where will I live?”, coupled by anger and raw emotions, drives people to run away, looking for a place to “solve” the questions and expunge the fear. In their flight, divorcing clients regularly run to attorneys, hoping to be saved by the courts, only to find out that the situation then spirals even more out of their control, magnifying the fears, stress and trauma.

Running toward the source of the fear may be a better solution. While reading The World Behind the World, by Michael Meade, I was reminded of an old African story told to me by a guide when I was in Kenya several years ago, called “The Lion’s Roar”. The guide’s narrative was much more colorful, but the basic story is: Older lions, although not nearly as strong as the younger lions, have an enormously loud and ferocious roar. Out on a hunt, the older lions strategically wait for the prey in the grass away from the younger, powerful lions. Even though toothless …the older lion’s enormously loud and ferocious roar sends the prey running away scared, right into the pounce…and teeth…of the younger lions. The moral of the story is that instead of following our first instinct to run away from the roar of the fear, it is better to face our fear head on.

Facing and even embracing the fear can help clients take control and navigate the situation. As Michael Meade points out, when we do not face our fears terror is given the space to grow. Mediation is a process that helps people face their fears and navigate the unknown, one step at a time. Step by step ambiguities are cleared up, solved and even transformed…and fear is released.

Please let us know your thoughts.

~ Debra